به آهستگی..

so here I am.  how many years have passed? how many people have I met? how many wrong people have I met?

And I am leaving. finally. after all these years and failures and heartaches and rejectoins.

And he is nor here. And somehow this is what I chose for myself. 

.This. Sitting on this uncomfartable couch in a strange apartment on a shitty Friday. Waiting to meet another stranger. 

Is this really what I wanted?

What did I want? Why dont I remember?

Feeling sorry for myself, is not really my thing. Neither is feeling lost. 

Maybe I am giving all these memories and past feeling too much credit now. Maybe I have forgotten the bad things. Or maybe, just like any other aspects of our lives, those days and memories were not perfect but simple were the best we have ever had. and We did not know it. We kept hoping for better but better did not come. . 

I do not know what I am doing. I do not know what I want. I dont feel like wnating something. I feel like I am sedated and numb and nothing will ever sober me up again. I wont feel excited againg. I wont feel alive agian. 

I know one thing though. This is not me. This is not my life.